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Crab Apple Cooler/Transcript
Emma Leroy: Hey Lacey, you wanna go to the bar later? Lacey Burrows: Ugh, all we ever do at the bar is sit and watch TV. On a good night, there's nuts. Oscar Leroy: You got a better idea? Lacey: Well, back in Toronto we used to have games night all the time. We could do something like that. Karen Pelly: What, fly you back to Toronto so you could play games with your friends? Lacey: Oh, that would be awesome. But no, I mean, we could have a games night here. We could play euchre. Oscar: Euchre? I hardly know her. Lacey: Or Twister. Oscar: Twister? I just met her. Lacey: Or maybe we can just play charades. Oscar: Charades? I hate charades. Emma: Charades it is. Lacey: Good thing I didn't say poker. Wanda Dollard: Look at this. Davis Quinton: Potato chips? Wanda: Potato craps. Soggy, stale potato craps. Davis: Ooo, nothing worse than stale chips. Although I did break my leg once, that was painful. Wanda: Yeah, but you didn't pay a buck 75 for a broken leg. I'm sick of getting screwed by the man. In this case, the potato chip man. So, I am writing a scathing letter. Davis: Well, if you can just ring me up I'll get out of your hair. Wanda: Who do they think, they think they can just treat me like dirt? They think they can just ignore the needs of their customers? Davis: Where do I write to complain about the service here? Brent Leroy: Hey, look. Old man Hafford's crab apple tree. A lot of good memories by that tree. Young Brent: See ya, Hank. Hank: That was the summer you realized you could fly. Brent: Ah, I can't fly. Hank: What? Well then, who was that kid? Brent: I'm gonna guess you were thinking about Superboy. Superman when he was a boy. Hank: Right, yeah. Brent: Honest mistake. No, I meant we used to sneak in there and steal the crab apples and then go down and throw them at the trains. Hank: Oh yeah. Hey, we should do that again, for old times sake. Brent: OK, let's do it. On the count of three, 1, 2, 3! Oh, my groin! Hank: Oh, I hit my knee! Lacey: Hey guys. Brent: Hey Lacey. Lacey: You pull your groin? Brent: Yep. Wanda: And finished. I'll just send that off. Chew on that, Crispy Spuds. Davis: Maybe I should write to Zoinks Cola. Wanda: Yeah, you should write to those jerks and let them know you're not going to put up with their...what's your beef with Zoinks Cola? Davis: Well, their cans have these wee, small tabs and my thumb always hurts after I open them. Wanda: "Opening your cans is like opening a grenade full of razor blades." Davis: What are you doing? Wanda: Writing your letter. Davis: No, no, no, no, don't get them mad at me. Wanda: No, you're mad at them and as your friend, well, similarly enraged consumer, it's my duty to hold them accountable. Davis: I just don't want to come off too strong. Maybe sign it "Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton." Wanda: "And may you all roast in hell. Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton." Karen: OK, let's pick teams. Emma: All right, why don't you two go together? Lacey: Karen and I? Emma: No, you and Oscar. Lacey: Why don't you go with Oscar, you're married to him. Emma: That's exactly why I don't want to go with him. Oscar: What's wrong with me? Karen: Come on, we're here to have fun. Let's draw straws. Whoever draws the short straw gets stuck with Oscar. Oscar: Stuck? Lacey: Oh, we don't mean stuck. We mean end up with. You gonna pick that one? Best two out of three? Oscar: How come I don't get a breadstick? Hank: I don't know, maybe we're getting a little old for jumping fences. I mean, you did pull your groin. Brent: That's got nothing to do with getting old. I pulled my groin when I was nine. When I was one, I threw my back out reaching for a rattle. Hank: Yeah, I don't know. Old Man Hafford was Old Man Hafford when we were kids. Now he's Really Old Man Hafford. Maybe we should just leave him in peace. Brent: Peace? Don't you remember when we were kids he'd steal anything that went over his fence. I lost my brand new flying ring. Young Brent: Oh, my groin. Brent: You lost your Super Spiral football. Hank: Oh yeah, that old fart's got my football. All right, let's run over there, jump the fence and grab his apples. Brent: Yeah, except maybe we should walk over there and use the gate in the fence. Hank: All right. Brent: Now, when you say "grab his apples..." Hank: Come on, Brent. Brent: I just want to be clear. Oscar: Book. First word. "The Count of Monte Cristo." Lacey: Nice one Oscar, that's two in a row. Karen: You guys are cheating. Oscar: No we aren't. That's one of my favourite movies. Lacey: OK, your guy's turn. Emma: Movie. What is that? It's the same thing only faster. Rowing. Washing clothes. Karen: I said it was a movie. Oscar: No talking. Emma: Do something different. It's still the same thing. Karen: I don't know what else to do. Oscar: No talking. Lacey: OK, that's time. Emma: What was it? Karen: "Chariots of Fire." Emma: How is that "Chariots of Fire?" Karen: I was on a chariot. Look, see? I'm racing a chariot. Lacey: Oh you guys, you should really try cheating. Davis: Hey! Notice anything different? Wanda: Wow, someone got hit with a truck full of swag. Davis: I got this hat and this cooler, thanks to you. And Zoinks cola, it's a twist off. Wanda: Thank you. Mmm, see, that's the power of consumer advocacy. And some very choice wear words. Davis: So? Wanda: So. Davis: So, what did you get from Crispy Spuds? Wanda: What didn't I get? Davis: You got nothing. Wanda: Try the opposite of that. I got the satisfaction of knowing that my voice was heard and that I made a difference. Davis: Can't believe you got nothing. Wanda: I'm sure something's coming. Davis: This is the other thing I got. Hank: Did you stretch? Brent: Yep. Hank: Your groin? Brent: Oh, right. OK, I'm ready. Hank: This is great. Brent: Yep, just like old times. Hank: Yeah. Hey uh, we used to have a code word in case of danger. What was it? Brent: Run! Hank: No, was it "Picadilly?" Uh, "Picadilly Circus?" Old Man Hafford: It was pepperoni. Too bad you won't be able to use it because I caught ya. Hank: All right, so you caught us. Hafford: Us? Hafford: So, what are you going to do with this punk? Throw him in jail? Karen: Well, normally 10 year olds raid crab apple trees and we drive them around, scare them a bit. You know, tell them that they're making bad life decisions. But in Hank's case, he's already done that. Hank: She's right. Hafford: All you're going to do is just drive him around in circles? Karen: Well, if I arrest him it's a bunch of paperwork for me. I mean, they are just crab apples. They grow back. Hafford: That's the problem with you cops, you're all soft. You leave him with me. I'll make sure he works it off. Karen: And I don't have to do any paperwork? Deal. Hank: I'll take the jail time if it's OK with you two. Karen: Let this be a lesson to you, Hank. See ya. Hank: No Karen, don't leave. Uh, Picadilly, Picadilly. Hafford: Pepperoni, ya idiot. Wanda: Ah, hey Davis. Davis: Hey, Crispy Spuds came through. Wanda: Oh, yeah. Pretty sweet jacket, huh? Davis: Yeah, reminds me of the one you used to have. Wanda: Yeah, that's the style, right? Kind of a retro thing, distressed. Davis: Remember I spilled mustard on the sleeve? Wanda: Yeah well, this is a different one. Davis: Well, what else did you get? Wanda: What else? Davis: Yeah, I got a watch and a hat and a cooler... Wanda: I got a cruise! Davis: Get out. Wanda: Yeah, yeah, a cruise. Hawaiian cruise. Touring the Hawaiian chip factory. Turns out that why the chips are soggy. Humidity. Davis: So, tell me more about this cruise. Wanda: Oh God, I'd love to but so much to do. You know, gotta pack, get my shots. Anyways, see ya. Davis: Hey, you got a hole in the back of your jacket. Your old one used to have... Wanda: Aloha. Emma You're horrible! It's just this all the time, that's all you did. Books, movies, TV shows, it's all this. Karen: Well, you made me nervous. You just say there saying "What's that? What's that?" You know I can't talk but you keep asking me questions. Lacey: Well, well, well. If it isn't team loser. Oscar: Is that what they call themselves? No wonder they lost. Emma: We're switching teams. I'm not playing with Miss Rowboat anymore. Karen: It was a chariot. Oscar: All right, I'll take Miss Rowboat. You and Lacey can go together. Lacey: Aw. I mean, that's great. Great. Brent: You're not going to talk to me? Look, that's the code, it's been like that since we were kids. You see trouble, it's every man for himself. Hank: He called the cops. Now I got to work it off the next couple days. Brent: That sucks. Hank: You know what he made me do? Hank: OK, I picked the crab apples. Hafford: Good. Now I want you to eat them. Hank: All of them? Hafford: Every single one. Starting with the rotten ones. Hank: You should be vomiting apples too, right now. Brent: You're right and I feel terrible. You didn't squeal on me, right? Hank: No, I was too busy throwing up. Brent: Good and I feel terrible. Hank: I still feel sick. Brent: Let's take this outside. Emma: Um, washing dishes. You're uh, spanking a baby, come on! You're worse than Karen. Karen: Well, maybe it's you that sucks at guessing. Emma: Julius Caesar. Karen: I know what she's doing. Emma: So do I. Julius Caesar. Lacey: It is not Julius Caesar. Oscar: No talking. Lacey: I can't help myself with her. Karen: See? Oscar: Time's up. Karen: It's "Driving Miss Daisy." Lacey: How is this Julius Caesar? Emma: It's Shake-spear. Lacey: Oh, you are truly awful at this. Davis: Check this out. Wanda: I'm good, I just had a muffin. Davis: No, look. Half the kernels aren't popped. Wanda: An optimist would say half the kernels did pop. Davis: I was thinking you could construct a letter something like "Dear stupid jerks, go suck an egg." Wanda: You don't want to push this complaining thing too far. No one likes a squeaky wheel. These companies talk, you know. Davis: They do? Wanda: Oh, yeah. There's pretty much three corporations that control everything. There's Chrysler, Fox TV and Campbell's Soup. Davis: I thought there would've been more. Wanda: Nope. You complain to Campbell's Soup about your popcorn then see what happens next time you buy a Dodge Ram. Davis: It's just you're so good with words. Especially the foul ones. Wanda: I suppose I do know how to turn a phrase. Ah, I guess Chrysler won't be too upset if I crank one more out. For old times sake. "Dear sons of bitches..." Davis: Ah-ha, that's the spirit. Brent: You still mad at me? Look, I feel bad. And not just because I just watched you barf up a two and half gallons of rotten apples. I lost your trust as a friend. So, I want you to know on your behalf, I got Old Man Hafford back. Hank: But I'm still working for him. Brent: Oh, forgot about that. Hank: You're not going to make me eat all of it, are you? Hafford: Nope, I just want you to put it back on these. Free toilet paper is free toilet paper. Oscar: Our turn. Emma: This should be good. Lacey: Well, you're one to talk. Oscar: No talking. Lacey: Well, I can talk if I'm not charading. Oscar: I just don't want you talking. Karen: OK, just gonna go with it. Oscar: "Cheers." Karen: Yep. Oscar: Ha, ha. Emma: How was that "Cheers?" Oscar: It's Woody cutting limes, right? Karen: Exactly. Lacey: Can I switch partners? Davis: Thought I'd come by and share the wealth. Brent: Oh, all this from Uncle Ricky's Popcorn. Davis: Thanks to your letter, Wanda. Now, I know your microwave's broken so, you have to wait a little while to eat this. Or you can come by the Police station and use my new microwave. Wanda: Too kind. Davis: See ya. Wanda: Geez, that rots my socks. Brent: Whoa, language. Wanda: I got Sgt. Crybaby a microwave, a cooler, a watch and I haven't got sweet diddly-squat from that stupid chip company. Brent: Oh, I don't know. That pretend cruise sounded kind of nice. Wanda: Time for another letter. Lacey: I get Oscar next time, it's my turn. Oscar: Lacey and I do have a certain qu'est-ce que c'est. Karen: Uh-uh. He's my partner now. I'm keeping him. Emma: I've never had him, he should be my partner. Oscar: Ladies, ladies, please. There's only so much of Oscar to go around. I'm only one man. Now, who should I bless with my gift of the guess? Emma: I suggest you pick me or you can guess where you're gonna sleep tonight. Oscar: And so it shall be my sweet. Sorry Lacey, Karen, but I am spoken for. Wanda: Hey Emma, help me out here. Which do you like better? Soul-less, sociopathic, corporate automatons or gutless sacks of crap? Emma: I'm not sure. Maybe because I have no idea what you're talking about. Wanda: I'm writing a letter of outrage to the CEO of Crispy Spuds. Davis: Why would you write another letter to Crispy Spuds? They've been so good to you. Wanda: Hey, Davis. Oh, I, yeah, you got to stay on top of these guys. I just found out that I only get to tour the plain chip area of the factory. The salt and vinegar area and the whole ripple chip wing are off limits. Davis: Unbelievable. Emma: I'd go with "sacks of crap." Wanda: OK. Hafford: What do you think you're doing? Hank: Yeah, what are you doing? Brent: I'm helping out a friend clean up this mess, which was obviously made by teenagers, because that's what friends do. Hank: Yeah, that's what friends do. Is there a problem with that? Hafford: That's fine with me. When you're finished with the yard, you can clean up the shed. Then, I guess you're done. Brent: Hello. Brent: Check it out. Here's what I found in Old Man Hafford's shed. Hank: Your old flying ring. Awesome! Brent: Yeah, your Super Spiral Football was in there too. Hank: Cool, where is it? Brent: It's back in the shed. What? Old Man Hafford was coming and he's got that cane. We're all familiar with my groin situation. You would have done the same thing. Oscar: Ow, my neck. I think I napped on it wrong. Emma: What, what did you take a nap for? Oscar: I always nap before a big charade. How do you think I'm so alert, refreshed, ow! Call off the charades. Emma: We're gonna have to loosen you up. Emma: How's that? Is it helping the pain? Are you feeling looser? Oscar: A little. Emma: Good, I'll get you another bottle of medicine. Wanda: "We apologize for not responding sooner and we hope you accept this carton of chips and these cans of Campbell's Soup as compensation for your inconvenience." Davis: Good for you. Brent: Well, I guess this is the icing on the cake then. What with the jacket and the cruise. Or was there something else? Week long unicorn safari? Wanda: Let's just say it pays to be persistent. Brent: You do know there was no cruise, right? Davis: Yeah, sad really. That's why I sent the box of chips and the soup. Brent: But why soup? Davis: Brent, Brent, Brent, Brent. Let me tell you about the big three. Fox Television... Lacey: "Catcher in the Rye." Karen: That's it! Lacey: Good one, partner. You're not nearly as bad as Emma says you are. Emma: OK, it's our turn now. Oscar, you go first. Oscar: Doopity-do, ha, ha. What game are we playing again? Emma: Charades. Karen: Are you OK, Oscar? Oscar: Feeling good, my friend, feeling really good. Here we go. Nrrrr, naaaa, nrrrr... Emma: Is it a song? Oscar: No. Emma: How did you get so out of it? I only fed you two beers. Oscar: Well, you're not supposed to drink anything when you've had pain killers, ha, ha, ha. Emma: You're on pain killers? Oscar: I think I'm gonna lie down here a minute. Emma: Come on, give me something, anything. Do something. "Apocalypse Now." Karen: That's time. Lacey: Emma, you really are a bad guesser. That's obviously the Titanic. Oscar: Bingo! Brent: I knew you'd come around to seeing it my way. Hank: Yeah well, we've been friends for too long to be mad over a football. Brent: Exactly. If anything, there's a valuable lesson to be learned here. Hank: Pretty nice football though. Brent: Yeah, I guess. Hank: Super grip spiral, neon stripes. Brent: So, just to review, you're no longer mad at me. What did you do to the gate? Hank: I jammed it, show me the football. Brent: Come on, man. Hank: Show me the football. Brent: Here, now open the gate. Hank: Pepe LePew! Brent: What? Hafford: Where do you think you're going? Brent: Fine, you caught us. Hafford: Us? I hope you like crab apples, because I thought the two of us could get a bunch and go throw them at trains. Brent: Really? Hafford: Nope, 'cause I'm going to make you eat four buckets of them. Brent: And that's four. Hafford: That wasn't as satisfying as I hoped. Brent: You got any more? Category:Transcripts